12 and hating our bodies

Yesterday while at the park, I ran into one of my favourite ex-students. Almost about to collide, we stopped to embrace instead. We haven't seen each other in more than a year or so. Noticing how furiously she was running, I asked if she was practicing for the school's track team. She duly replied that she was running because she's fat and she's getting zits.

She's only 12. And she has the body of a typical 12 year old girl. Not remotely close to fat at all.

Feeling naturally perturbed by her answers, the inner mother hen emerged, and I unloaded a barrage of inquiries probing the rationale and motivations behind her need to work out at such a young age. Her answers echoed of blossoming self-esteem and body dissatisfaction issues. Now of course, once a girl hits puberty, her body undergoes tremendous changes. Overnight, you sprout breasts, experience the first smidgens of sexual attraction amidst other nerve-wrecking hormonal surprises. But for a girl, a mere child, to be so conscious of her body at that age is quite disturbing.

I related the story to a few friends afterwards. One of them announced that at 12 she started starving herself. Another said that she knew of someone who started working out at that age as well. Unbeknown to me, body issues have fast enveloped children.

The saturation of sex and 'waif' ideal body images in the media have evolved into cultural norms and expectations. As a result, women and men are left striving to mould their bodies into shapes and forms that physically encapsulate perfection as socially mandated. Thereby, creating a hotbed of festering body dimorphism married with non-existent self-esteem and confidence. But to actually witness young children picking and embracing our social indicators is just wrong. When did children learn to replicate our insecurities and dissatisfaction?

This chance encounter reminded me of another experience I had with another young kid, many years ago, when I worked at Victoria's Secret. A mother-daughter duo walked into the store looking for suitable training bras. The young girl could not have been more than 10 or 11. They surveyed the sporty collection of the store and the mother picked out specific ones for her daughter. After informing me they would return later to purchase, the duo were heading out of the store when the young girl stopped at a table lavishly displaying bedazzled thongs. The kid grabbed a few thongs and held them up. Her mother (bless her) informed her child that thongs weren't meant for children. The young girl answered that all her friends wore thongs. The mother replied she wasn't going to let her daughter prance around without any underwear just because all the other girls were doing just that. With that being said, the duo left, with the younger one bearing a crest-fallen look. Almost nearing closing time, as I was helping with the last few customers, I noticed the daughter hovering around the thong table, alone. I went up to her and asked if her mother had returned to buy the bras. The young girl picked up three thongs and handed me a wad of cash.

As we adults struggle with myriad issues and insecurities, it is heart-wrenching to reflect that we are passing along our shortcomings to children.

Hatred Continues

Now that many agencies are breaking new grounds in working with sexual minorities, the hatred has caught the eye of the media.

In a recent Bengali news site, a reporter who has obviously not done his background research on the topic, makes several erroneous statements on the work being currently conducted by international agencies in regards to awareness of HIV/AIDS among MSM (men who have sex with men) population. The journalist's concluded his article by stating how those very international agencies are promoting homosexuality.

Come again?

How does one equate working to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS and providing essential public health services to a marginalized group encourage one form of sexuality?

The nature of the argument didn't astound me. By now, working in this particular line of work, I amused to hearing all kinds of arguments against the education of sexual rights. The one feature of the article that did astonish me were the several comments made by ordinary people who perpetuated and expressed their hatred against homosexuality.

One of my colleagues stated that as more agencies opt to work with sexual minorities, these types of ignorance-fueled hatred will frequently emerge. Ignorance and the fear of the unknown is understandable. Hence the awareness-building activities. But the blatant hatred that accompanies the ignorance is staggering. People simply refuses to accept an alternative form of desire beyond the hetero-normative model.

One thing is clear though, we can expect more and more of these types of reactions from all quarters.

Women and women

Living in a patriarchy society, it is astonishing to see how women tend to further suppress other women. Recent conversations with both sexes have verified the sad fact that women tend to be far more malicious of other women.

Some of us might shake our heads and remark how this is a stereotypical depiction of women generated by men to 'divide and conquer' the female race.

Unfortunately, that is the fact. Women, and I have seen plenty, readily vilify other women. Women tend to judge other women harshly, quick to plant labels as 'sluts', 'whores', and 'vixen'.

Why though? What are the underlying motives that compel women to tarnish and severely judge other women?

Insecurities? Older women feeling insecure about themselves when younger one emerge on to the scene? Or women in general feel insecure about themselves?

In a era where we have grown up with feminists and feminists theories dissecting and analyzing the world for us, it is quite a strange sight to encounter successful women swiftly and almost always negatively judge others. Whereas we should be forging community, building and nurturing bonds, encouraging and supporting each other, we fall back into petty jealousies and rivalries in the pursuit to emerge as the fairer and far appealing one.

It's upsetting to see the numbers of wonderful, inspiring, and successful women around me, and to know that at least half of them would never consider mentoring younger women. As much as we instinctively blame men and their patriarchy, we have to point the fingers at ourselves and really accept the blatant truth that we are the very proponents that prolongs and nurtures the patriarchical shackles in our society.

I have been fortunate to have met many women who have taken the time to nurture, encourage, inspire, and support me throughout the different phases of my evolution. But I don't find enough women are willing to mentor other to succeed akin to themselves.

This hesitation, insecurity, and refusal to welcome, nurture, and groom the younger generation of women needs cease now. Otherwise, we will continue inhabiting a world of men where females will always be considered the weaker sex.

My Benetton Heart and Supremacist Dick

Oh, John Mayer, your music certainly leaves a lot to be desired but your recent comments and the consequent media storm surrounding them really sheds light on the need for celebrities not to voice racist-tinged opinions at the communal square.

In a recent Playboy(Playgirl?) interview, John Mayer was asked if black girls threw themselves at him. Yes, the interview was being completely set up for entertaining sound bites. Mayer replied that he has a 'Benetton heart but a supremacist dick.." Wow.

It's not unnatural for different races to feel comfortable dating their own kind. For example, desis are often conditioned to select a mate from their own creed, as long as the significant female counterpart was of a 'fair and lovely' stock. Generations of desis propagate the notion that it is far easier to be with someone of similar backgrounds in order to better understand cultural and social indicators. I have had many discussions with peers and older patrons who have dissected, analysed, interpreted, and preached marrying your own kind.

However, yes, there are souls who dare to break away with tradition and venture forth into the land of inter-racial/cultural relationships. And they have existed remarkedly well without any sign of disintegration of their respective races.

Which brings us back to John Mayer's comments. To each his/her own. He has the prerogative to prefer a certain type of women, be it blonde, busty, blue-eyed etc. But he has absolutely no right to express his preference in such a crude manner whereby he alienates and discriminates against an entire race of women.

There have been many fierce and eloquent reprisals of John Mayer's comments emerging from all quarters. But the fact remains that a white guy should not get away calling his dick a supremacist. The word alone epitomizes generations of hatred, murder, bloodbaths, and stigma surrounding the color of skin. How can anyone dismissively label their body part with that noun and expect people to be entertained?

I suppose by now, John Mayer, must have learned from his callow actions. But his comments have uncovered a fact that is sadly the truth. Men and women tend to prefer to date from their own races. Is that an issue? Not necessarily. As long as advocates of these intra-racial dating phenomenon refrain from flippantly using discriminative language to justify their philosophy.

Rationalizing Rape and Perpetuaters

A fifteen year old high school girl gets gang raped on school premises while waiting for her father to pick her up. In response to a posting of this story on a site, many commentators started speculating on the victim’s looks, gauging her intoxication level, and whether she had herself provoked the rape. (Broadsheet)

Needless to say, their speculations were deeply troubling in light of the evidence and account of the rape emerging.

Rape has to be undoubtedly one of the worst forms of violence against women. It is hard to imagine a young girl being brutally sexually violated by multiple men while others gather around jostling, laughing, and even taking pictures. And no one thought of calling law enforcement then and there.

Instead two hours later, the police came to find the girl unconscious and in such a critical condition that she was air lifted to the nearest hospital.

I remember in psychology 101 class, we learned that in the event of encountering violence, we should scream fire as opposed to help me I’m being raped. Human beings are more prone to run to someone’s help if they hear there are faced with natural disasters as opposed to violence perpetuated by other human beings.

That perplexing theory came to mind when I read about this incident in several news trades. How can so many people just stand around watching a girl being violated? What compelled them to witness and not report? What fear, hesitation, depravity prevented them from compassion?

Now, what becomes of the girl? What becomes of her life as she is left to reel from the psychological, emotional, and physical effects of her rape?

But far greater emphasis must be placed on the men who perpetuated this heinous crime. What compelled them to brutalize a hapless young female? What motivated them to resort to forced sexual violence? What form of perverse joy did they deprive from encouraging their peers to repeatedly engage in sexual violating the girl?

It remains to be seen how this rape narrative will be pieced together to make sense.

Are we hardwired to prefer young children?

Roman Polanski’s capture and imminent battle against US for raping and drugging a thirteen year old girl in the 1970s bounds to be in the same breath as the trial of the centaury. But his capture raised the phenomenon of sexual intercourse with minors that gripped and incited the media into a frenzy.

On the heels of myriad media discussions of Polanski’s behavior appeared Kate Harding’s of Broadsheet infamous piece that asked us as judges to not not forget that Roman Polanski raped and drugged a thirteen year girl against her wishes. http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/09/28/polanski_arrest/index.html
She raised several pivotal points about the act of adults having consensual and/or non-consensual sexual intercourse with minors. Points that were furthered verified and validated by more news pundits.

In comes MacKenzie stating that she and her father had a long-standing consensual sexual intercourse interspersed with drug abuse. She stated she still loves him dearly.

Both these accidents involving celebrities throw light on to the severely cloaked and veiled phenomena of child abuse. All over the world, the statistics for child sexual abuse is astounding. It happens everywhere, all the time,, to people who you know.

Even with strict laws targeting pedophilia, this phenomenon refuses to die down. This refusal to efface begs the question, are human beings sexually hardwired to prefer young children? A creeping thought that will send many of us to immediately cringe and dismiss it. Yet, why is it that we always hear of young children being raped, sodomized, molested by men and women in times of wars, peace, inside their own homes, by uncles, aunties, brothers, friends, neighborhood kids and so forth.

The western world still fights in curbing this war against pedophilia, but how does it look in our part of the world? Or even in our country? We inhabit a society that refuses to disclose and discuss sexuality out in the open. A woman exposing her kneecaps is deemed open to whistles, shouts, curses, and angry glares from passersby on the streets, But behind closed doors, the worst forms of sexual debauchery are being conducted upon hapless victims. Oftentimes, the prevailing ocean of silence prevents victims from voicing the violations they encounter. Oftentimes, the newspapers decline to print such material. Voices are lost. Crimes are largely ignored.

I often think if we are unconsciously but deliberately breeding a nation of sexual perversity and sexual abuse.. What are the odds that someone that I know has been sexually molested and/or groped at by an acquaintance at a young age? What seeds of self-loathing and fear do those episodes trigger in those victims?

Pro-Choice Death

A recent news item on NY Times and on Broadsheet about end of life decisions spurred me to contemplate on the issue.

As a person who firmly believes and advocates pro-choice in terms of controlling and deciding things that are good for my mental and physical well-being; having that same prerogative for choosing death never occurred before.

During a bio-ethics course in college, the case of Terri Schiavo was broached. She was a young woman completely surviving through life support. Essentially, her body was dead. Her family wanted to maintain her on life-support, probably hopeful that a breakthrough in modern medicine will bring their daughter back into their arms. Her husband, on the other hand, wanted to ensure she received a dignified death. The husband and her family fought an epic battle that riveted the American nation and even had the then President Bush interjecting his perspectives.

Undoubtedly, at this point in my life, I feel having the ability to choose what is good for my body is an essential human right. But does that same right encompass death as well?

In a hypothetical scenario where my body is ravaged and riddled with cancer, and I opt for death to ease myself of the pain and the inevitability of demise, am I right in doing so? Can I say I am in the "correct" frame of mental health to declare I choose death? Am I doing justice to my family and friends in wishing for death? What of their desire to be with me till the end?

Perhaps these question are of those nature that will be constantly debated and never fully answered. I cannot truly imagine how Terri felt, or how her husband and family felt when they hotly contended their views on her right to life and death. Neither can I predict how my loved ones will react to my pro-choice inclinations if I experience a similar fate.

But it certainly does make sense for a person to wish for a dignified death in any manner he/she deems appropriate. Who are we to deprive or thwart them from this basic right?